The humiliation of living a loved one's substance use disorder is real. You are not making it up.
And oh those first steps towards your own healing--after you stop striving to cure the alcoholic/addict--will call up sadness and grief. To let go of what you thought your life and your loved one's life would become. Yes, when you stop hiding from the truth of what you see and feel your heart will hurt.
When you name your pain, feel your powerlessness, realize that pain doesn't have to be punishing, that it can also become an excellent teacher, you are taking your first wobbly steps toward recovery of self. The self that became lost, maybe numb, financially strained, and emotionally exhausted can be recovered.
When you stop taking your loved one's addiction personally, (it is NOT your fault) and you gather the information and people needed to illuminate the space you are standing in, that oh-so-dreaded place of powerlessness to change another, you will begin healing.
YES. YOU. CAN.